Estimated Reading Time: 2 minutes
Feb 1993
It was the Anglo-Saxon time. A time when men were men and women were men. It was a time of mystery and of little records so we can make up a story and no one can tell the difference if its real or not. Here is such a tale.
After Beowulf slayed the Grendel's mother, he rested for a while at his summer vacation home at the Stonehenge Summer Condos. Unknown to him at the time, the Grendel's evil father had gone to the Mountain
Kingdom of Rodqn. The good king of the land, Speaturm, had been tricked into allowing the Grendel's father to become his Chief of Guards.
At this job, Big G was a normal, large, hairy, guy who did his job during the day. When night came, however, the monster came forth and devoured the citizens of the Rodqn.
(Big Grendel sings Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)
News of these murders got to Beowulf. He decided that he would slay this evil monster with his trusty giant sword so graciously repaired by Weland's Sword repair-"If we can't fix it, it's not a sword.Located across from the "
Beowulf was given a few horses and a duck for his travel. On the way to the Mountain Kingdom, he was given a magic sack that would give him food whenever he reached in, therefore he didn't have to kill Beofowl, the duck.
Beowulf reached the edge of the mountain with the kingdom on top. "Oh boy," exclaimed the Wulfmeister. He and his duck climbed for a week until they reached a sign that read," 45 days from this spot." He wanted to give up but then the duck convinced him not to.
(Beofowl sings 2 Legit to Quit)
The Rodqnites all greeted Beowulf when he reached the town gates. The people led Beowulf to the Chief of Guards. They discussed what the monster may look like and ways to kill him at the Hall of Dramatic Irony:
Beo: I think I might be able to take him in a fight.
G: Oh, really. What makes you so sure?
Beo: Just between you and me, I have a little surprise for ol' big and ugly. I've found that Grendels seem to have, how can I say, a distaste for Casaba Mellons.
The monster left the meeting and researched Casaba Mellons. He found that science had proven that if one put a hot towel around one's neck, the taste of a Casaba Mellon would be unnoticeable besides one looking stupid.
Beowulf gathered a small army. (Together they sing We are the Champions by Queen.) They all marched along singing Do wah Diddy.
The Monster sang Come as You Are. And they did singing We Will Rock You. The final battle ensued and only one winner could emerge. Because it would be boring to make Beowulf immediately win, he didn't. The grendel struck a tremendous blow upon our hero and made him fall, big surprise, eh. Just then Beofowl attacked the Grendel with his Duck Fu.
Beofowl then grabbed the magic sword and chopped off Grendels head. Beowulf exclaimed," How did you do that?"
"You see," Beofowl said," I gave you the idea about the mellons and knew Big G would put the hot towel on his neck and as anyone who ever saw an ABC (All Battle Channel) Monday Night Mystery movie, hot towels make the skin easier to cut."
"Oh," replied Beowulf, "I feel bad now."
(Beofowl then sings You're Only Human by Billy Joel. Then the whole cast sings It's the End of The World by R.E.M. and then the curtain closes)